The Contents of a Lady's Purse

I have heard it said you can tell a lot about a woman by the contents of her purse. If that is true, I am in big trouble. It is not the odd little things that have been planted there by my children for me to hold “just for a sec”. I had odd stuff before that.

Regardless of how many children I have had, including the while I had no children of my own, I always had a few little toys,crayons and paper, and a weenie whistle. The whistle was for sentimental reasons. I have even had a rock in there, prechildren. It was a prayer rock for me to remember to pray for a good friend’s salvation. I still have it and am still praying for her. And always a broken pair of sunglasses. And a card with two penguins, one of whom has a fish eating his head. It says “Relax, God is in charge.”

Then come children. And now I have four card games, a seashell magnet shaped like a fish, two salt packets, broken pencils, a piece of bark that was chewed off a tree by a beaver, a pen that leaked, darts for a gun, an etch-a-sketch key chain with a key to nothing, a pile of receipts, shot record books, coins from a foreign county I have never been to, a few Legos, and a stick. That is in addition to my wallet, a hairbrush, lipstick, a lipstick tube form lipstick Isaac melted by placing it on the heater, nail polish, hair clips, a nail kit, tiny scissors, a tiny flashlight, a tiny screwdriver, reading glasses, broken sun glasses, non-broken sunglasses, a granola bar, two packs of crackers, baby wipes, a diaper, lotion, hand sanitizer, a bottle of water and a Ziploc baggie of pennies that says Isaac.

And I still have to say those are not the things that get me. Not at all. Because most of those can be expected from the bag I carry when I have the children I have. No, the part that bothers me is even worse. Since having my first child I have had the most disgusting things land in, drop in, flop in, drip in, and magically appear in my purse. I expect a certain amount of crumbs, especially with the crackers. But I have had an ice cream cone, milk, Pepsi, a sandwich, chewed up gum, and a dirty diaper. ( I had no where else to put that! Mall change rooms should always have a trash can. Always.) Live bugs, dead bugs, fake bugs, something slimy I never even asked what it was. Fish bait that got loose. A mushy brown banana. I hope it was a banana.

All I can think of is the episode of Mad About you when the flighty sister, Lisa, got her purse mixed up with Jamie. Lisa was all pulled together for the day because of the contents of Jamie’s purse. She was on time, functional and got a job. And Jamie’s life spiraled out of control because of the junk in her sister’s purse. She was late everywhere, lost everything, and was a wreck by the end of the day. It was like each woman’s personality was tied to the contents of her purse.

So if the contents of my purse tell you something about me, I am mushy, gushy, slimy, crumby, broken, odd, and smell slightly like bad milk. And there may also be a sign popping out that says “Stay Away!!”