On Friday the kids and I loaded up the van for an outdoor adventure of epic proportions. We had jackets if it got cold. Sunscreen in abundance. Snacks and water. Picnic lunches. I remembered napkins and diapers, the bee sting kit and wipes. Extra clothes. The stroller. We really had everything we thought we could possibly need. After threatening everyone if they didn’t go potty, grabbing one last snack and pouring my coffee, we left on time, which for us is 15 minutes late. But my unsuspecting offspring were surprised when I told them we were going to be early. I told them we needed to be there a half hour before the event start time. After having to explain to Isaac what "being early" means, we were well on our way to having a great day. No one was fighting or spitting at each other. No one was taking off their clothes or tossing shoes everywhere. They were happily munching on cereal and sipping their hot chocolate. David napped a bit on the way. I did not get lost. Not even a bit.
The day went really well. We saw and did everything we wanted to, sometimes even getting to play a game or visit an exhibit twice. There were all kinds of things to see and do. We played outdoor PA bingo, ran obstacle courses, and discussed which animal used to be wearing which pelt. We played a game as an insect, did tribal drumming and dancing, and talked about recycling. We learned about natural resources and conservation, waterways, and animal tracks. We looked at bird nests and caught Swedish fish in a polluted/unpolluted river display. We even went geocaching and fishing. We saw live barn owls and alive at one time insects. We had a nice picnic lunch. Awesome field trip. After walking all over from about 9, by 3 we were trudging back to the van, all commenting on how wonderful the day had been and how excited we would be for next year. No melt downs, no break downs, no injuries, no damage caused by my kids or to my kids. And we still had a cooler of nice, cold drinks and some chips waiting in the van for the ride home.
If this were a movie this is where the mood music would subtly slip towards the minor chords. We got to the van, loaded up all our stuff and people. I got in and found my keys. Cranked up the van to hear the telltale click-click-click of a dead battery. No problem. I got this covered. I have jumper cables. We hiked back up to the main building and got a van to meet us in the parking lot. We walked back down, this trip resembling the Israelites in the wilderness instead of my excited kids of about 30 minutes ago. It was hot. They were tired. We even had camels- not sure who spit first but three of them we going at it like crazy. Isaac learned the hard way why you should never spit into the wind. We were not a pretty picture. We got there a couple minutes before the van, so we pulled out our cooler, the chips and a blanket. Had a little picnic right there in the shade of a bush in a field of little flowers. So sweet.
The van came to rescue us, and the kids cheered. Two guys jumped out and hooked up the jumper cables and you could hear their van die a slow, painful death right there in the field beside poor dead Bessie. But they had a set of walkie talkies and more help soon arrived. A huge truck came and jump started the camp van, and then helped out poor Bessie. We let her charge for a while, then it was time to hit the road.
At this point, it is kind of like the movie Australia. It could end fine here. Warm feeling in your heart, despite the obstacles faced by the beautiful (hey, why not, I am telling this story) heroine and her dutiful crew. But no, the screen quickly changes from black to the next scene and you are gripped by the drama as yet more obstacles arise to deter the fantastifirical heroine in her attempt to prevail against all odds yet again.
After driving about 15 minutes, all the lights were fading and the speedometer started spinning in a complete circle. I know Bessie, and there was NO WAY she was going over 120. Ever. Plus, the radio went out, which really bothered the kids. Then the a/c. Great. Now I am traveling down the highway going who knows how fast (people were passing me so I felt I was doing okay) with the windows open, three kids singing four different versions of God Is Bigger Than the Boogieman, and my cell phone dying. We were out of drinks, out of snacks, out of patience, out of battery power and out of our minds within 5 minutes. Thankfully we were close to a mall. We got one last panicked call in to Andy to come rescue us, then we went completely dead. At the mall. With whiny kids, no money, and no way to contact anyone.
I got out of the van and couldn’t even have a good rant because the windows were now stuck down. I lifted the hood, kicked the tire for good measure, and paced while I ranted in my head. I got back in the van after saying "Well, this can’t be worse!" David threw up.
Isaac woke up, looked around, and said "Is this what happens when you are early?" It does to me.
Tune in tomorrow for part two of our melodrama "Why I Am Never Early"
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