For some reason I do not sleep. I have tried lessening my caffeine intake. Going to bed and squeezing my eyes shut reeeaaal tight. Reading. Putting on a movie that I have seen about a million times. Taking a nice bath. Nada! I am still up late. I thought maybe it was because of awesome game nights all night long with equally awesome friends, but that is not too often. Or maybe staying up to watch DVDs of CSI, which is often-er than game night. But, I do not think that is it. And I am caught up on CSI for now. But of course, I am not productive. Even being awake about 30 hours a day my house is still a mess. Sometimes I do not get to shower. All of our towels are perpetually dirty. The cat litter is always full. My mind is on hyper drive, but my body is not.
Oh, I know that the problems we have been having are problem causing some of this insomnia. Andy’s job situation has been very unstable. Bills come due and less money comes in. Plus his schooling situation. I was never good at waiting, and we have been waiting to find out if he is in the awesome program. Since January. And are still waiting. It is hard to be here all the time and have him never here. For all of us.
I sit in the still quiet of my house. No noises, only a dim light (well, that IS because there are about 100 light bulbs burned out in my dining room) sipping my tea (decaffeinated, herbal relaxation tea), and it hit me. This is the only time when I sit without a child hanging on me. And breathe without worrying about the strange banging above my head. Or the dishes in the sink. And sip tea with only my own saliva on the cup and no graham crackers floating in it.
And to think. I think about things such as when I last shaved my legs. Or paid the water bill. How we are going to afford to keep living. And how blessed we are that God has provided so far. Or when David last had a bath. And how long will he have asthma. What are we going to do to keep making progress, in school and in life, with Faith. And if I have enough time with each of the kids. And I think of how wonderful it is to have my husband who is working so hard so I can stay home to keep the stability Faith needs. And if Angel’s school work will challenge and motivate her, or will it be too hard. And I wonder how Isaac’s foot prints, among other prints, ended up on the ceiling. I think about how to beat that part in Lego Batman I am Angel is stuck on. And I think about butterflies and how to raise them. And where. My thoughts begin to drift away from the mundane to the odd and finally move to philosophical. And swing back to odd. (And I am sure there is some pie thought somewhere in all that.) And I begin to feel the tension drain from me. It begins at my shoulders. And I relax for the first time all day. Sometimes I open a window to hear the night time symphony in my backyard.
I miss thinking. Deep thinking. About things outside of myself, outside of us. About God and his glory. About the people and events that have shaped our world. And somewhere, deep inside, I have a part of me that longs to know more. Sometimes the drive surfaces and I have to learn about something. Anything. To read, to experience, to step away from myself and think.
And so, despite the busyness of our home, the pressure that we are under as Andy’s job is ever changing, the daunting task of homeschooling with a toddler (again), I am going back to school. Because I looked into getting a job. And that was hard last time. It was hard physically, but I was working in a field I loved. And I was simply sure that my soul would wither and die if I had to leave my kids everyday to flip burgers. Or ring up groceries. And that was about all anyone would have me do. Having over 130 credits and no degree, that’s all you can do. So I will go to online classes and eventually hold in my hands a degree. That I will have worked so hard for. Shed blood, sweat and tears to hold. I will rejoice. Greatly.
Perhaps that, and repairing my hyper drive, will net me some sleep. Perhaps.
***Disclaimer: The above job related statements were not a slight to the professions of those who cook (which I should not do professionally, or even socially) or those who work in retail (again, I should not do this thing). I only meant to imply that myself in such a situation spells impending doom. Thank you! Have a nice day! And don’t complain.***
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